The Dilemma of Saggy Tits

Oh, to be a sensible version of myself! Oh, to be a version immune from our sexually objectifying culture shouting, “Breasts should be perpetually youthful and perky!” Shouldn't I look at my breasts, think only of the sweet babies they have nursed?

Instead, I start the day with a self-critique, stretch marks, the most definite sag (sag is such a HORRIBLE word), asymmetrical aspect of right vs. left, the knowledge that nothing improves with age. It is pointless to recall I felt this way when my breasts were 30 years younger. No, age is not the issue.

The issue is an inferiority complex. Think of my feelings of inferiority as beet juice, it stains all aspects of my life. Sorting this out has been a battle, but one I keep fighting, one morning mirror at a time. Here are a few of my struggles (totally apart from saggy tits) :

• My self-worth is based on how I assume others perceive me.

• My tax return say I have made less than $20,000 in my entire life. Even so, thanks to my supportive spouse, I quit my first-ever, "real" job to pursue a passion for writing. This luxury makes me happy - and guilty, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

• My strong, independent daughters tell me they have no intention of having children. Beet juice stain says, “If I had been a better mother, they would want to be mothers.”..

• While appearing self-assured, I feel like a poser most of the time.

What the hell? That list is the tip of the iceberg. I could brush it off as first-world issues, which they most CERTAINLY are. But they also steal joy. So tackling the “why” behind them is a priority.

 There is a proverb I learned as a child. “As one thinks, so one is.” There is also a New Testament scripture ending with, “… take every thought captive.” Thoughts. Years ago, I attended a spiritual workshop focusing on lies we tell ourselves. The question, “What lie are you believing right now?”, has become key in stopping a spiral of negative thoughts before a sunny day turns into a storm cloud of self-loathing.

There is value in understanding where negative thoughts and feelings come from. Take my guilt over being financially dependent on my spouse, do I think money equals worth? NO! Ok, so why the restless feeling while lounging in my pj's with a cat on my lap, jotting tidbits into my writing journal? Somewhere I have absorbed the message that industry is next to Godliness, with industry narrowly defined as sweat, production and ultimately, money. I would most certainly identify that as a big - fat - lie but it still has power over me.

The layering of a particular thought pattern can be complicated. Why do I want my daughters to desire motherhood? Is it the barrage of cultural media, images of grandmothers and mothers and rosy-cheeked babies living idyllic, multi-generational lives? Though I can spot a false ad campaign when I see one, it still paints a pretty picture. Perhaps my mortality is screaming? If my DNA is not replicated, is my life on Earth in vain? That is a very human emotion. It is helpful to realize it comes from my humanness, not my lack of success as a mother.

Self-knowledge is important, it is a place of growth and grace. Sometimes though, life is too short to puzzle out the “why” of inferiority. We are our thoughts, and there is tremendous power in embracing or rejecting thought patterns. One can simply say, “I will not accept that thought. Off you go. Be gone. You - are - a - lie. Even if bearing some truth, you are NOT helpful in bringing peace and happiness.” This requires persistence. We need to hold our ground against lies. They will eventually slink off and die.

 So, in hindsight, I should have said, “Baby! Look at those tits. My, aren’t you lovely. Breasts, such glorious things, and LOOK, I have TWO!” What I did was reach out to a friend. They listened patiently to my woeful tale of inadequacy then said, “Well, you know I am a huge fan of your breasts. I think you should be happy with what you got goin’ on.” I had a good laugh and vowed to be kinder to myself. After all - being grateful for what we have “goin’ on” - is the perfect definition of a sensible human being.

PS This piece was originally written for The Nameless Show podcast produced by my friend Julie Rackow. She purchased over 20 of my essays and found space in her Sufi inspired podcast for a segment called, And now, Conversations with Alice Wyatt, which had absolutely nothing to do with Sufism. I am forever grateful for her confidence in my voice, my writing and my heart. I do remember her laughing aloud when she recorded me reading this one. Love you Julie.