Phoenix Rising

How do I grieve 

the woman I worked

so hard to become?

the woman who did the work

to become self-aware

emotionally intelligent

grounded

balanced

holding all things lightly

trusting her heart

How do I grieve

the loss of a woman

who thought she knew something

had gained wisdom

wanted to give back

be a light

offer hope

a mother

who had made peace

with finally being selfish

doing her own thing

the anxious weight of parenting

behind her

adult children living their own lives

making their own choices

her job done

looking forward to what was next

ME

the woman who

declared the world good

confident a child dedicated to God

would be safe in His arms

How do I grieve

the fact that you still needed me

that I was so very wrong

was sure this was just a rough patch

told everyone 

you would be ok

after all, 

you were strong, resilient 

a mother’s mistake, so many made

but this one irreversible

not like forgetting to pack your lunch

or missing a ballgame

this mistake is forever

How do I grieve

being a mother who now hesitates

when asked how many children she has

How do I grieve

being on sinking sand

knowing nothing about anything

caring about nothing

anymore

all confidence

all faith

all wisdom

all light

all hope

a distant memory 

belonging to someone I no longer know

that woman

is dead

she died

with you

an empty shell

of who

she thought she was

of who

I believed myself to be

will a beautiful version of me

rise from the ashes of your death

a victorious phoenix?

perhaps

first, I need to figure out 

how to grieve

the loss of everything

I once was